Secrets
by katiekat784
Summary: JJ's spinning out of control, slowly sipping away and the only thing that they can do is watch as they lose her to this case. Everything was going so well until the BAU gets a case that sends JJ into a downward spirl of her dark past that she wanted to forget. WARNING: Deals with abuse.


**_Disclaimer: I don't own anything that seems familiar. _**

**WARNING: Deals with sexual abuse **

**Words: 1582**

**Note: Any dialog that's familiar is from Higher Ground. (A show AJ Cook did when she was younger.)**

* * *

_**Secrets **_

_She was sitting alone, thinking, when a girl appeared beside her. "What are you thinking about?" _

"_Know anything about shadows?" She replied, not knowing why she was asking someone so innocent and pure that question._

"_They're dark, hide things, secrets. Do you have secrets?" The girl asked with curiosity. _

_As she looked at the sweet, young girl who hadn't seen or lived through the horrors of life yet, she realized that she had been like that once too. _

"_That's my secret," she told her softly as the little girl smiled and walked away leaving her with her thoughts. _

* * *

The plane ride from the BAU to Ohio was quiet. Their case was a serial rapist who took girls between the ages of eleven and fifteen. He'd dump the body after a few days.

The case was going to be hard for everybody but for her it seemed worse. She had become distant toward the team lately. No one knew why, they figured she'd say something when she was ready. What they didn't know was that she'd never be ready to talk about it. In fact, she had spent the past fifteen years trying to bury and deny what had happened. But the whole time during the briefing she had wondered, was it him? It was stupid of course, she knew that but she couldn't help but wonder.

* * *

_It was just past midnight and she was writing in her diary. The door handle moved and she crawled into a ball. It wasn't the first time that it happened and she knew that it wasn't going to be the last. The door opened and she saw his shadow. _

_He entered the room, closed the door and put his hand to his lips, "Shh, kitten, you know the rules."_

_She nodded, petrified as he slid out of his boxers and grabbed her hand. _

_When it was over, she started crying. He slapped her, "Quiet, you'll wake your sister or mother." _

_Before he closed the door he told her, "Remember, if you tell anybody, your sister's next." _

_He closed the door and she quickly gathered her clothes. She opened her window and climbed down the tree, wincing at her aching body. She ran to the park and climbed on the big bear that looked like it was trying to hug someone. She sat in its arms sobbing for the remainder of the night. The whole time she wondered what she did to deserve this. _

* * *

She got off the plane, checked into the hotel and went straight to the bathroom to try and clear her mind but her thoughts kept running faster and faster through her brain. She took a few deep breaths, calming herself down.

She knew that she had to focus on the case and not on the nightmares that were trying to resurface. She knew that if she let herself fall down that rabbit hole, not only would there be no one to help pull her up but she'd go down too far and never be able to climb back out of it.

The screen of her phone lit up the dark bathroom. The text had said that she should get some rest and start the case in the early morning. She did her night time routine and crawled under the bed sheets, closing her eyes and hoping for a good night's sleep.

* * *

_She came home after summer break to find her sister completely different than before she left. At first she thought that it was because her sister resented her for leaving but then she found out the truth. _

"_I'm sorry, I'm sorry," her younger sister cried as she fell to the bed. _

"_It's not your fault. Do you hear me, he did this not you." She responded, trying to get the younger girl to listen to her._

_She took a step back and finally admitted the truth to her baby sister. "He did it to me, too."_

* * *

She woke up later that night, thrashing and screaming. Sweat had covered her entire body and her heart was pumping loudly. She couldn't breathe. She needed air.

When she got outside, she rested herself against the railing. She needed to think or clear her head. Her mind was all over the place. It took her a while to calm down and remember what was her dream and what was reality. Except, it wasn't a dream or a nightmare, it was her past coming back up to haunt her. And the reality was that this case was going to make her lose her mind, if she hadn't lost it already. Suddenly, she couldn't breathe again.

* * *

_After the conversation with her sister, she couldn't take it. He promised that he wouldn't touch her. He promised that if she didn't tell, it would only be her, he would only hurt her. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have let this happen? How could she have trusted a god damn word that came out of his mouth? Those questions were swarming around in her head as she opened the bottle of pills. _

* * *

Everything about the case reminded her of either him or herself. The suspects weren't the killer because he was. The victims all looked exactly like her when she was younger. She knew that it wasn't true but she couldn't stop herself from thinking it.

She finished her fourth cup of coffee, put her head in her hands and looked up at the clock. It wasn't even twelve yet.

* * *

_She faked the smile, pretended that everything was okay. She pretended that her life wasn't screwed up. It worked for everyone. She didn't know if it was because she was that good of an actress or simply because no one cared enough to look deeper but whatever the reason, it worked. Then one day it didn't. _

_He was the quiet one, the one who saw everything but never told anyone. Just by looking at him, people knew that something had happened but no one ever knew what. It wasn't like anyone cared enough to ask. They had become friends, her and him. Although, she was sure that they wouldn't have even crossed paths if her life had resembled anything close to normal. It was going great for the unlikely pair, until he cornered her one day. _

"_You have to tell me what happened." He told her _

_She tried to deny that anything did happen but he wouldn't believe her. Finally, she got fed up. "I don't have to tell you anything." _

_She turned around and was about to leave when he stopped her by saying, "He abused you, he molested you." _

_Instead of telling him the truth she got angry. "Just stay out of my life!" _

_She turned around again and he put his hand on her arm. "No, I'm not going to just –"_

"_Just go, just go, and get away from me!" She yelled desperately and pushed him. _

_In a rage of frenzy and a desperate plea of help, she threw everything and anything she could find. She was a tornado of rage, sadness and despair ripping through the world. _

_When she finally stopped, she looked around at the mess she made. For a brief moment, she was glad that something finally looked like how she felt. Then, the moment was over, and she realized what she had done. She wiped the tears that were streaming down her face and ran her fingers through her hair before doing what she did best, running._

* * *

Ten days, ten days and the serial rapist still wasn't caught. Ten days and as each day went by, she got worse. Everything pointed to him, but he had died. The report said that he died when her sister committed suicide by setting the house on fire. It didn't make sense. Nothing made sense anymore.

The team saw her slipping, but they couldn't help her, no one could. They tried to though, they really tried but even they couldn't seem to save her from the darkness that pulled and tried to rip her apart.

* * *

_Things go bump in the night and monsters didn't always hide in the closet or underneath the bed. She wasn't ready to learn that, she wasn't ready to deal with that before. But then she realized that if she didn't, then he would. If he thought that she was going to let him win, hell would have to freeze over before that happened. No, this is now her battle, her war and she'd be damned if she didn't stand up and fight. He already destroyed everything. So, what more could she possibly lose? _

_So, she let go of the knife she had somehow managed to get a hold of and bawled for a little longer. At the mess he made, at her loss of her innocence, at the fact that she knew that she was damaged and probably could never be repaired. She bawled and wailed for everything that had happened but then stood tall and vowed that she would not let everything that he did destroy her. And if it did, well, she'd bring him down with her._

* * *

After they closed the case, she was never the same. Finally one day, she resigned. Everything became too much for her to handle. She slipped and fell and no one could've saved her. She was gone a long time before she resigned. That was the last time that the team had heard from her, until three years later.

* * *

**AN: I seem to be leaning towards dark stories lately but whatever. I'm finally getting back into writing after a two month writer's block. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this and please review, thanks. **


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